The Smell Test

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August 4, 2010 - In a culture where lying has become the norm, the truth is shunned as much to the peril of the liars as to those who love the truth.

The Deep Water Horizon oil spill is 75% gone today! Voila! Poof! Presto Chango! Can you believe it?

I doubt that any of our readers are really brain dead enough to believe the load of dispersed fecal matter, which just spewed from the mouths of White House spokesperson, Robert Gibbs and BP marionette/spokesperson Former United States Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen in a press conference from the White House. Thad Allen had that same vacuous, I used to have a soul, look on his face that we have all come to know and distrust.

After showing an almost total lack of leadership, during the greatest environmental catastrophe in the history of our once Democratic Republic, Barack Obama, chief servant of the corporate hegemony and his crew are spinning strings of crap as if they were looming fine silk. They seem to be hoping that we are all fluoridated, drugged, drunk or just plain old stupid enough to believe their yarn.

There’s Barack Obama doing that old shuffle. Sink that oil! Disperse, disperse, disperse and sink it again! Out of sight, out of mind! Yes sir! It is all better now! Whoo! That was a close one.

Who cares if fifty percent of the nearly ten million barrels of oil that was spilled is suspended all up and down the water column? Who cares if the partially dispersed, hyper-toxic oil/COREXIT mix are circulating in the Gulf Stream at depths of as much as three thousand feet or more to rise up into the shallow water God knows when? If you can’t see it is as good as gone…right? Now just go back to sleep people because Change is coming! I promise, some day soon Change is coming!

Just look, I am pulling the troops out of Iraq just like I promised! Never mind that I am leaving a permanent force of fifty thousand unfortunate American men and women to protect our interests in Iraq! They need the jobs, right? And don’t forget those contractors. There will be at least fifty thousand contractors, charging taxpayers five times as much as our soldiers, helping the now “independent” Iraqi Government to keep the “peace” even if they can’t keep the lights on for the Iraqi people. Now isn’t Petraeus just the best?

I am the great and Powerful Obama! I am the harbinger of Change! If I haven’t kept my promise to stop allowing the tops of the Appalachian Mountains from being cut off by coal companies; it is obviously the Republicans fault! (Please pay no attention to the man behind the curtain or what he said as a Senator.)

As for that nasty oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the Republicans are to blame, not me! Yes sir! The Republicans were the ones who made the laws that allowed the United States of America to be the only company…ah, I mean country in the developed world that does not require deep water oil drillers to use fail-safe devices in their oil rigs!

And don’t blame Ken Salazar for not changing that either. Mr. Salazar had only had eighteen months to cozy up to Big Oil before this horrible accident. I will not hold Ken Salazar responsible for not ordering all deep-sea oil drilling companies to install fail-safe devices on their rigs. No sir! It is definitely the Republicans fault. It was George Bush! He did it!

As a result, I had to let BP seize control of the crime scene. I had to let them deploy rent-a -cop contractor thugs to keep real scientists, reporters and citizens away from the evidence. Class 4 felony, $40,000 dollar fine if you get too close! Watch out Anderson Cooper! We needed to intimidate all those nosy people, ah, all of you… for your own good!

I was just doing what my bosses at BP said I had to do. They said that as long as I stick to my story, that ah… the Republicans did it, it would turn out just fine for me!

So people, those who say I can’t lead will just have to swallow…ah, our great story of success in the Gulf.

Please keep buyin' the fish from the poor fishermen in the Gulf. They need to get back to work. I have ordered the USDA to stand down regarding any testing for COREXIT or Benzene in exposed fish. As long as they pass the USDA’s famous smell test, I declare, they are safe to eat!

Those alarmists who say that COREXIT contains a hemorrhagic toxin, which is not safe in any concentration and could actually cause you permanent brain damage or even death, are in the minority.

Who says that my administration is bought and paid for? In this economy we need to keep good relations with our corporate allies…ah, even if they don’t pass the smell test.

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